Friday, January 13, 2012
Monday, November 14, 2011
Not-so-Stupid Runner
Yesterday I was slated to run a 5k. I didn't. It makes me sad to have chosen a goal (a very obtainable goal) and to have failed to reach it. I have good reason for not running. Shortly after I signed up for the 5k I started having digestive problems - stomach pain and queasiness (no, I'm not pregnant) - then I got a nasty intestinal virus and was unable to really eat anything more than toast once a day for 5 days. So needless to say, I wasn't doing any running. I'm still recovering. I hit fatigue quickly. Which sucks. Hopefully I'll be back on the road soon. I love running in the cold.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Stupid Runner update
I did it. I registered. 5k in November. I'm going from running once a week (maybe) to training for a 5k in 6 weeks. I've been training for a few weeks now and on my last training run I managed no walking breaks so I feel confident enough that I will stick with it enough to be ready. Race day is November 13th and it's the Race for Fetal Hope.
I feel kinda lame calling this "training" since I still think of myself as a half-marathon runner. But during a recent conversation I realized I haven't run that kind of distance since 2007. It was over 4 years ago when I ran my half P.R. at the Rocky Mountain Half Marathon. (Which I can't link to because apparently it is no longer a race. Suck.)
Anyways, wish me luck.
I feel kinda lame calling this "training" since I still think of myself as a half-marathon runner. But during a recent conversation I realized I haven't run that kind of distance since 2007. It was over 4 years ago when I ran my half P.R. at the Rocky Mountain Half Marathon. (Which I can't link to because apparently it is no longer a race. Suck.)
Anyways, wish me luck.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Remembering, 10 years
Due to an error on my part this is publishing a few days late.
Nine Eleven
9/11
09/11/2001
Ten years ago the psyche of America was changed. I do not say "forever changed" for already there are school-aged-children that were born after this event and many that have no memory of that day. But I remember.
In the fall of 2001, I was living in Alexandra, VA, and working an internship in Washington, D.C. I was participating in SPEA's Washington Leadership Program. On that particular Tuesday morning, I was on the train heading into my internship at The Wilderness Society. I started talking with the woman who sat down next to me. She sang in a rock cover band, rode motorcycles on the weekends with her husband and friends, and she worked at the pentagon.
We all remember where we were when we heard. When we saw. Thinking "This can't be real." "This is out of a movie, right?"
I had gotten my new friends phone number after talking on the train that day. I called. And I called. It took me four days but I got through to her house. She was OK, just getting back from the hospital, "nothing too major though it will be a while before I can ride my bike again." She said, "Aren't you the sweetest for calling me?" I was terrified that a stranger would answer her phone and tell me the worst news. That this woman I had met, that I swear to this day is an angel in disguise, had been killed.
It saddens me that the acts of horror committed by a few have been used by our government to justify further hatred and death. What will it take for us to end this cycle of killing?
Unitarian Universalist minister Forrest Church wrote: "Remember, there is only one thing that can never be taken from us, only one human monument that cannot be rent asunder. The one thing that can never be taken, even by death, is the love we have given away. To honor the innocents who died on that September morning, we must redeem this September [morning] and all the days before us, redeem them the only way we surely can: by gifts of love and works of love; by loving our neighbor as our ourselves; even by daring to love our enemy. Remember, each of us only builds one lasting monument over the course of a lifetime. We build that monument in one another's hearts."
in love and Peace,
Maurina
Nine Eleven
9/11
09/11/2001
Ten years ago the psyche of America was changed. I do not say "forever changed" for already there are school-aged-children that were born after this event and many that have no memory of that day. But I remember.
In the fall of 2001, I was living in Alexandra, VA, and working an internship in Washington, D.C. I was participating in SPEA's Washington Leadership Program. On that particular Tuesday morning, I was on the train heading into my internship at The Wilderness Society. I started talking with the woman who sat down next to me. She sang in a rock cover band, rode motorcycles on the weekends with her husband and friends, and she worked at the pentagon.
We all remember where we were when we heard. When we saw. Thinking "This can't be real." "This is out of a movie, right?"
I had gotten my new friends phone number after talking on the train that day. I called. And I called. It took me four days but I got through to her house. She was OK, just getting back from the hospital, "nothing too major though it will be a while before I can ride my bike again." She said, "Aren't you the sweetest for calling me?" I was terrified that a stranger would answer her phone and tell me the worst news. That this woman I had met, that I swear to this day is an angel in disguise, had been killed.
It saddens me that the acts of horror committed by a few have been used by our government to justify further hatred and death. What will it take for us to end this cycle of killing?
Unitarian Universalist minister Forrest Church wrote: "Remember, there is only one thing that can never be taken from us, only one human monument that cannot be rent asunder. The one thing that can never be taken, even by death, is the love we have given away. To honor the innocents who died on that September morning, we must redeem this September [morning] and all the days before us, redeem them the only way we surely can: by gifts of love and works of love; by loving our neighbor as our ourselves; even by daring to love our enemy. Remember, each of us only builds one lasting monument over the course of a lifetime. We build that monument in one another's hearts."
in love and Peace,
Maurina
Monday, June 20, 2011
Mother but not Mom
There are some women that are a degree or two separated from me but still in the edges of my life that are Mothers but are not Moms.
A stay at home mom (a luxury many of us don't get) with two kids - one is preschool aged and the second is a new baby - who posts in public venues about how she is all ready for a night of vodka drinking and other such non Mom things. She goes to social gatherings at Pub's (with her new baby). When I see her she *never* holds her baby or is really anywhere near her children. She just ignores her kids assuming that others around her will watch them.
A friend's soon-to-be-for-real-ex-wife is relinquishing physical custody of her three children. She wants to maintain a say in their lives - in my opinion this is just so she can keep messing with my friend. She constantly asks her soon-to-be-ex to watch the kids when it is supposed to be her day or weekend. Friend is asked to drop off his kids at her boyfriend's house. She refuses to keep more than a few outfits of clothes for her kids at her house AND she does laundry once a month because "she doesn't have the time". Did I mention that she doesn't work but is a student (to be a massage therapist).
I'm not saying that school isn't demanding but sh*t people work full-time jobs, go to school at night and raise their kids ALL THE TIME!
I don't get it. I get that sometimes you have a woops and get pregnant and you think you want to be a parent or for whatever reasons will not consider abortion or adoption. But then you have the kid and realize you don't really want this job. OK. But then you have more kids??? I don't get it.
Being a Mom (or dad) being a Parent is truly the hardest job you will ever have. You need breaks. You can't constantly be the happy, loving, perfect Momma. Sometimes you just want your kid to just go the f**k to sleep!!! I get it. BUT to not be Mom? That I don't get. Maybe it's because I had a child that died. Maybe it's because I waited until I really wanted kids. But for whatever reason I do not understand how these women can be a Mother but not be Mom.
A stay at home mom (a luxury many of us don't get) with two kids - one is preschool aged and the second is a new baby - who posts in public venues about how she is all ready for a night of vodka drinking and other such non Mom things. She goes to social gatherings at Pub's (with her new baby). When I see her she *never* holds her baby or is really anywhere near her children. She just ignores her kids assuming that others around her will watch them.
A friend's soon-to-be-for-real-ex-wife is relinquishing physical custody of her three children. She wants to maintain a say in their lives - in my opinion this is just so she can keep messing with my friend. She constantly asks her soon-to-be-ex to watch the kids when it is supposed to be her day or weekend. Friend is asked to drop off his kids at her boyfriend's house. She refuses to keep more than a few outfits of clothes for her kids at her house AND she does laundry once a month because "she doesn't have the time". Did I mention that she doesn't work but is a student (to be a massage therapist).
I'm not saying that school isn't demanding but sh*t people work full-time jobs, go to school at night and raise their kids ALL THE TIME!
I don't get it. I get that sometimes you have a woops and get pregnant and you think you want to be a parent or for whatever reasons will not consider abortion or adoption. But then you have the kid and realize you don't really want this job. OK. But then you have more kids??? I don't get it.
Being a Mom (or dad) being a Parent is truly the hardest job you will ever have. You need breaks. You can't constantly be the happy, loving, perfect Momma. Sometimes you just want your kid to just go the f**k to sleep!!! I get it. BUT to not be Mom? That I don't get. Maybe it's because I had a child that died. Maybe it's because I waited until I really wanted kids. But for whatever reason I do not understand how these women can be a Mother but not be Mom.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Stupid Runner
Race Report: Running o' the Green, 7K
On Sunday, 3/13/11, I ran my first race in a little over 2 years and it went really well. Especially considering how little I actually trained.
Just before the start of the race, I pull out my iPod to queue up my music. Oh sh*t! The battery is almost dead. But the running gods smiled on me and my music lasted the entire race. I wanted to finish in under an hour and did; I finished in 50:22 (a 11:35 pace) not too bad considering I walked for part of it. At the end of the race I felt great, and just a little extra proud since this was the first race I had ever run alone. In the past all of my races had been ran with friends, most often with Kristen.
Now the burning question you are all asking yourself: "has she kept running?" Well, no. And here are my awesome excuses, I mean legitimate reasons:
On Sunday, 3/13/11, I ran my first race in a little over 2 years and it went really well. Especially considering how little I actually trained.
Just before the start of the race, I pull out my iPod to queue up my music. Oh sh*t! The battery is almost dead. But the running gods smiled on me and my music lasted the entire race. I wanted to finish in under an hour and did; I finished in 50:22 (a 11:35 pace) not too bad considering I walked for part of it. At the end of the race I felt great, and just a little extra proud since this was the first race I had ever run alone. In the past all of my races had been ran with friends, most often with Kristen.
Now the burning question you are all asking yourself: "has she kept running?" Well, no. And here are my awesome excuses, I mean legitimate reasons:
- I have not always been really great on taking care of myself over others (especially my Hubby) and since becoming Mom, I really suck at it.
- I keep getting sick. Having a 16 month old in child care/ preschool means I get exposed to all kinds of awesome immune boosting diseases. Since January, I average 1.5 days off from work for being sick.
- My big toe hurts.
- My running skirt is dirty since I haven't done laundry since the last time I ran.
- I forget how awesome I feel when I run. The excitement of heading out. The stress melting away during my run as I breath deep and see the world. Listening to music. Taking care of me (and thus allowing me to be a better Mom, wife and duh, Stupid Runner).
Monday, October 11, 2010
Hello Self!
originally written on 04/14/2010. This is the last back dated journal entry that I will be posting.
Hello self. there you are! I thought you were lost - forever. Yet here you are. I used to think the Bible passage on The Valley of Death was talking about fear from physical harm or death. Now I believe that it refers to the dark valley we must travel when a loved one dies.
When Meleana died I had my doubts that I would ever come out the other side. I fell into the deep dark well of grief and depression. The thought of trying again - to be a mother to a living child - was beyond my ability to imagine.
Since the birth of Leilani I have been overwhelmed with how much I love her. I did not know this was possible. Perhaps I loved my mother like this when I was small, and I vaguely recall the love I had for my father when I was young. But knowing them as a fellow adult - it is different. This. This love of my child. This consuming senses over whelmed knowing I would do anything for her. I would walk through fire and endure hell for this beautiful precious child. This love has healed my soul. But the grief I feel for Meleana is not gone but definitely changed. it was all that I did not know that could have been that tore at my heart. But know I know.
I know what I lost when Meleana died. I know of the joy when my daughter looks at me and smiles. The familiar sensation of nursing my daughter. The completeness of holding, of comforting, singing, rocking, walking while holding. The normalcy of having this tiny person in my bed; her small snores as she sleeps next to me.
Others tell me to forgive - myself. That it is understandable, normal that I failed to hold Meleana after she was born still. I had carried her as a part of my body for 8 months. When she was there - outside of my body - I could not bring myself to carry her once more. Now that I know I still cannot - will not forgive myself of that failure. I held her ashes as it was grabbed by the wind. Ashes to ashes. Dust to Dust. Returning her body to the Universe.
My Dear Child. I am sorry I never held you in my arms. That I didn't snuggle you close. Or kiss your head. Remember you always, I shall. your sister will know your name. Your father will be reminded. To your mother you shall always be my first born. I miss you. And should it be that I get the chance, I hope you will greet me on the other side of the veil of life. With the entirety of a mother's love - I love you.
Hello self. there you are! I thought you were lost - forever. Yet here you are. I used to think the Bible passage on The Valley of Death was talking about fear from physical harm or death. Now I believe that it refers to the dark valley we must travel when a loved one dies.
When Meleana died I had my doubts that I would ever come out the other side. I fell into the deep dark well of grief and depression. The thought of trying again - to be a mother to a living child - was beyond my ability to imagine.
Since the birth of Leilani I have been overwhelmed with how much I love her. I did not know this was possible. Perhaps I loved my mother like this when I was small, and I vaguely recall the love I had for my father when I was young. But knowing them as a fellow adult - it is different. This. This love of my child. This consuming senses over whelmed knowing I would do anything for her. I would walk through fire and endure hell for this beautiful precious child. This love has healed my soul. But the grief I feel for Meleana is not gone but definitely changed. it was all that I did not know that could have been that tore at my heart. But know I know.
I know what I lost when Meleana died. I know of the joy when my daughter looks at me and smiles. The familiar sensation of nursing my daughter. The completeness of holding, of comforting, singing, rocking, walking while holding. The normalcy of having this tiny person in my bed; her small snores as she sleeps next to me.
Others tell me to forgive - myself. That it is understandable, normal that I failed to hold Meleana after she was born still. I had carried her as a part of my body for 8 months. When she was there - outside of my body - I could not bring myself to carry her once more. Now that I know I still cannot - will not forgive myself of that failure. I held her ashes as it was grabbed by the wind. Ashes to ashes. Dust to Dust. Returning her body to the Universe.
My Dear Child. I am sorry I never held you in my arms. That I didn't snuggle you close. Or kiss your head. Remember you always, I shall. your sister will know your name. Your father will be reminded. To your mother you shall always be my first born. I miss you. And should it be that I get the chance, I hope you will greet me on the other side of the veil of life. With the entirety of a mother's love - I love you.
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