Closure

The memorial was an incredible thing. We are so grateful to all who joined us in body and spirit. Rev. Kirk Loadman-Copeland help us put together a wonderful service (click to pull up a document that gives you the service and readings) that allowed us to say good-bye to our little girl.

One of the service pieces was a bouquet of memory. Each person there placed a flower in a vase - creating a thing of beauty and fragility.

At the end of the service the song Aloha O'e was played. Aloha O'e means "fond farewell". This song was written by Queen Liliuokalani, the last monarch of Hawai'i. It was written as a love song, but some say it was also her way of saying farewell. And it fit what I wanted to say at the memorial. (I am owkring on posting a video with the song so you can hear it.)

After the service, KJ, Tess (my mom), Aunt Adele & Uncle Jim headed to Chautauqua Park in Boulder, CO. We hiked up to the near the first flatiorn. We said a little prayer "She whom we love and lose is no longer where she was before. She is now wherever we are." - St. John Chrysotom. And then KJ & I released some of her ashes
...off to the wind

From Meleana

... a handful at the base of a tree

From Meleana

... and a small pinch was carried down by my mom to the meadow of wildflowers.

From Meleana

Aloha O'e Meleana.

and Mahalo to all of our Ohana.

with Aloha - Maurina & KJ

Memorial: Update

Aloha O’e
On Saturday, May 23, 2009 please join KJ & Maurina, in body or spirit, as we remember our daughter, Meleana, On the 1 year Anniversary of her being born still.

First Universalist Church of Denver
4101 E. Hamden Ave
Denver, CO 80222
May 23, 2009
10:00 am - 10:30 am
A reception will follow the service in Friendship Hall

Some ideas if you will be joining us in spirit:

• send us a note of your "could have been" with Meleana
• light a yarzheit candle and do a reading or prayer that means something to you
• donate to NILMDTS, the wonderful photos we have of our daughter are because of this wonderful organization of volunteers. On the donation form there is a space for additional comments. This is where you can put that the donation is being made in honor of Meleana.

The ceremony details have been decided (finally). For those of you that are able to join us, we merely ask that you come as you are, with open hearts and arms. There will be some snacks available after the service. It is hard to express how much we appreciate all of the love and support we have gotten from our growing family of blood, friends, and community.

Mahalo!
Maurina, KJ, Hijo & Meleana

Addendum to "End of Act Three" posting

It recently came to my attention that I when I posted the story of my delivery of Meleana I left out a very important person. I was shocked to hear that I had somehow forgotten to talk about how my best friend, Kristen, was there supporting me through the entire ordeal. After the doctors visit where we got the bad news, KJ & I went home to make some phone calls and pack an overnight bag. Shortly after getting home I managed to call work and tell them what happened; at that time KJ called Kristen and told her the news. Before I knew it Kristen pulled up into our driveway with her bag packed. She drove us to the hospital and stayed there in the room with me through the entire ordeal.

The main reason why I am so shocked to find out that I somehow left Kristen out of the story is this - I doubt that I would have survived the trauma of the labor were it not for Kristen's unfaltering love and support. She was my advocate when decisions needed to be made and I was in no condition to make them. Kristen being there allowed KJ to sleep and take breaks knowing that someone else was there to take care of me and watch over me.

When I was battling my fever part of me felt that it would have been easier to just slip away and not feel this pain anymore. But then Kristen leaned in close to me and said "You will not leave us." And it was then that the thought was that I would not only be leaving KJ, but Kristen - and all the other people that loved me. And it gave me a glimmer of hope - that although I was currently in agony and questioning if it was worth it to carry on - that I would know love and be loved.

Kristen was there through the delivery, she even held one of my legs while I pushed. When we recently talked about it her comment was "It was totally gross, but where else would I have been?" She watched over Meleana as the nurse cleaned her and dressed her. Kristen worked with the photographer to get some of my favorite photos.

Kristen has continued to be supportive and encourages me to forgive myself for whatever failings I lay on myself.

Kristen: I love you more than I can express. I am so sorry that I failed to let the world know what an incredibly supportive and loving friend you were during my darkest hour and always.

Triggers

Somehow, I am still amazed at what can act as a trigger and send me spiraling down into an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. Today KJ & I went to go see the new movie Bolt. It was very funny (I snorted a few times) but I lost it at the end. In short the story is about a great dog and his little girl. I was struck with how I had promised Hijo his own little girl - he really loves kids, especially little girls. It made me sad to know that Hijo never got to meet Meleana. That he never gets to enjoy a run while I push her in the stroller, or to lick peanut butter off her fingers (and face), he will never get to run around a park with her chasing her and looking ferocious - causing the other mothers to stare at me wondering why I would let my daughter play with such a scary dog).

Hijo Atari Paradise, the best dog ever

As my friend Gwen reminded me when we got together last Sunday to remember Meleana, KJ & I are not the only ones who lost all the 'could have been' with Meleana. Gwen lost the chance to spoil her - she was so looking forward to KJ & I needing date nights so that she could have our little girl over. All of my amazing friends from IU never had the chance to be calabash Aunties & Uncles. They would have been wonderful influences in her life. My father never got the chance to see his fiercely independent "no-I-am-not-ever-having-children" daughter (that would be me) become a mother.

Meleana's death is a loss to us all. And for that I am sorry.

6 months (really)

As I stated at the end of my last post after crying in my office I realized that it in fact had only been 5 months. And I felt comforted knowing I was not so far from having Meleana.

This Sunday, November 23rd, is the 6 month anniversary of Meleana being born still. I am sending out a plea to all that cannot be with us in person, to pause on Sunday, light a candle and say her name. It is a great source of comfort to know that we are not alone in our grief. And that others will remember and not deny that we have a daughter that died.

From Meleana

non sequitur

KJ & I recently started going to a closed support group called Solace. It is a group for anyone who has experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn death. Fortunately the group has a great dynamic. We seemed to "click". There is one other husband in the group, and he's an IT guy - giving KJ someone to talk with.

During out last session I had a bit of an epiphany. We were talking about how different things may be our triggers. Such as things we were planning on doing with our child that we are now doing without our child. And I realized - suddenly - why I am struggling with running. I find it hard to go, and when I do go I feel guilty. I am supposed to be running with my daughter. Kristen and I had spent many a conversation discussing how it was going to be running with Sprite/Meleana. KJ & I spent a bit of time picking out the perfect jogging stroller. I was so looking forward to running with my daughter. Showing her from the beginning of her life the joy of physical movement. My challenge now is to find a way to take Meleana with me on my next run. Any suggestions?

5 Months

From Meleana

5 months ago our daughter, Meleana Paradise, was born still. She was 19" long and weight 4 lbs, 2 oz. She had dark brown hair, like her father and she had his nose and my hands.
In many ways it feels like she left us just days ago, in others it feels like a lifetime.

After sitting in my office crying I started to think and I realized that I had miscounted, that's 5 months today, not 6. And amazingly that makes me feel better. And that is why I've changed this post to read 5 months instead of 6.

Please join me Rememberance Day: Wave of Light

http://www.october15th.com/waveoflight.htm