The Show Must Go On

Quotes to Inspire a New Year

2012-01-13T15:14:00.001-07:00

Not-so-Stupid Runner

2011-11-14T08:48:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was slated to run a 5k. I didn't. It makes me sad to have chosen a goal (a very obtainable goal) and to have failed to reach it. I have good reason for not running. Shortly after I signed up for the 5k I started having digestive problems - stomach pain and queasiness (no, I'm not pregnant) - then I got a nasty intestinal virus and was unable to really eat anything more than toast once a day for 5 days. So needless to say, I wasn't doing any running. I'm still recovering. I hit fatigue quickly. Which sucks. Hopefully I'll be back on the road soon. I love running in the cold.

Stupid Runner update

2011-10-14T13:03:00.004-06:00

I did it. I registered. 5k in November. I'm going from running once a week (maybe) to training for a 5k in 6 weeks. I've been training for a few weeks now and on my last training run I managed no walking breaks so I feel confident enough that I will stick with it enough to be ready. Race day is November 13th and it's the Race for Fetal Hope.

I feel kinda lame calling this "training" since I still think of myself as a half-marathon runner. But during a recent conversation I realized I haven't run that kind of distance since 2007. It was over 4 years ago when I ran my half P.R. at the Rocky Mountain Half Marathon. (Which I can't link to because apparently it is no longer a race. Suck.)

Anyways, wish me luck.

Remembering, 10 years

2011-09-13T15:32:00.000-06:00

Due to an error on my part this is publishing a few days late.

Nine Eleven
9/11
09/11/2001
Ten years ago the psyche of America was changed. I do not say "forever changed" for already there are school-aged-children that were born after this event and many that have no memory of that day. But I remember.

In the fall of 2001, I was living in Alexandra, VA, and working an internship in Washington, D.C. I was participating in SPEA's Washington Leadership Program. On that particular Tuesday morning, I was on the train heading into my internship at The Wilderness Society. I started talking with the woman who sat down next to me. She sang in a rock cover band, rode motorcycles on the weekends with her husband and friends, and she worked at the pentagon.

We all remember where we were when we heard. When we saw. Thinking "This can't be real." "This is out of a movie, right?"

I had gotten my new friends phone number after talking on the train that day. I called. And I called. It took me four days but I got through to her house. She was OK, just getting back from the hospital, "nothing too major though it will be a while before I can ride my bike again." She said, "Aren't you the sweetest for calling me?" I was terrified that a stranger would answer her phone and tell me the worst news. That this woman I had met, that I swear to this day is an angel in disguise, had been killed.

It saddens me that the acts of horror committed by a few have been used by our government to justify further hatred and death. What will it take for us to end this cycle of killing?

Unitarian Universalist minister Forrest Church wrote: "Remember, there is only one thing that can never be taken from us, only one human monument that cannot be rent asunder. The one thing that can never be taken, even by death, is the love we have given away. To honor the innocents who died on that September morning, we must redeem this September [morning] and all the days before us, redeem them the only way we surely can: by gifts of love and works of love; by loving our neighbor as our ourselves; even by daring to love our enemy. Remember, each of us only builds one lasting monument over the course of a lifetime. We build that monument in one another's hearts."

in love and Peace,
Maurina

Mother but not Mom

2011-06-20T09:29:00.000-06:00

There are some women that are a degree or two separated from me but still in the edges of my life that are Mothers but are not Moms.

A stay at home mom (a luxury many of us don't get) with two kids - one is preschool aged and the second is a new baby - who posts in public venues about how she is all ready for a night of vodka drinking and other such non Mom things. She goes to social gatherings at Pub's (with her new baby). When I see her she *never* holds her baby or is really anywhere near her children. She just ignores her kids assuming that others around her will watch them.

A friend's soon-to-be-for-real-ex-wife is relinquishing physical custody of her three children. She wants to maintain a say in their lives - in my opinion this is just so she can keep messing with my friend. She constantly asks her soon-to-be-ex to watch the kids when it is supposed to be her day or weekend. Friend is asked to drop off his kids at her boyfriend's house. She refuses to keep more than a few outfits of clothes for her kids at her house AND she does laundry once a month because "she doesn't have the time". Did I mention that she doesn't work but is a student (to be a massage therapist).

I'm not saying that school isn't demanding but sh*t people work full-time jobs, go to school at night and raise their kids ALL THE TIME!

I don't get it. I get that sometimes you have a woops and get pregnant and you think you want to be a parent or for whatever reasons will not consider abortion or adoption. But then you have the kid and realize you don't really want this job. OK. But then you have more kids??? I don't get it.

Being a Mom (or dad) being a Parent is truly the hardest job you will ever have. You need breaks. You can't constantly be the happy, loving, perfect Momma. Sometimes you just want your kid to just go the f**k to sleep!!! I get it. BUT to not be Mom? That I don't get. Maybe it's because I had a child that died. Maybe it's because I waited until I really wanted kids. But for whatever reason I do not understand how these women can be a Mother but not be Mom.

Stupid Runner

2011-06-01T16:24:00.000-06:00

Race Report: Running o' the Green, 7K
On Sunday, 3/13/11, I ran my first race in a little over 2 years and it went really well. Especially considering how little I actually trained.

Just before the start of the race, I pull out my iPod to queue up my music. Oh sh*t! The battery is almost dead. But the running gods smiled on me and my music lasted the entire race. I wanted to finish in under an hour and did; I finished in 50:22 (a 11:35 pace) not too bad considering I walked for part of it. At the end of the race I felt great, and just a little extra proud since this was the first race I had ever run alone. In the past all of my races had been ran with friends, most often with Kristen.

Now the burning question you are all asking yourself: "has she kept running?" Well, no. And here are my awesome excuses, I mean legitimate reasons:

I have not always been really great on taking care of myself over others (especially my Hubby) and since becoming Mom, I really suck at it.
I keep getting sick. Having a 16 month old in child care/ preschool means I get exposed to all kinds of awesome immune boosting diseases. Since January, I average 1.5 days off from work for being sick.
My big toe hurts.
My running skirt is dirty since I haven't done laundry since the last time I ran.
I forget how awesome I feel when I run. The excitement of heading out. The stress melting away during my run as I breath deep and see the world. Listening to music. Taking care of me (and thus allowing me to be a better Mom, wife and duh, Stupid Runner).

Hello Self!

2010-10-11T00:00:00.001-06:00

originally written on 04/14/2010. This is the last back dated journal entry that I will be posting.

Hello self. there you are! I thought you were lost - forever. Yet here you are. I used to think the Bible passage on The Valley of Death was talking about fear from physical harm or death. Now I believe that it refers to the dark valley we must travel when a loved one dies.

When Meleana died I had my doubts that I would ever come out the other side. I fell into the deep dark well of grief and depression. The thought of trying again - to be a mother to a living child - was beyond my ability to imagine.

Since the birth of Leilani I have been overwhelmed with how much I love her. I did not know this was possible. Perhaps I loved my mother like this when I was small, and I vaguely recall the love I had for my father when I was young. But knowing them as a fellow adult - it is different. This. This love of my child. This consuming senses over whelmed knowing I would do anything for her. I would walk through fire and endure hell for this beautiful precious child. This love has healed my soul. But the grief I feel for Meleana is not gone but definitely changed. it was all that I did not know that could have been that tore at my heart. But know I know.

I know what I lost when Meleana died. I know of the joy when my daughter looks at me and smiles. The familiar sensation of nursing my daughter. The completeness of holding, of comforting, singing, rocking, walking while holding. The normalcy of having this tiny person in my bed; her small snores as she sleeps next to me.

Others tell me to forgive - myself. That it is understandable, normal that I failed to hold Meleana after she was born still. I had carried her as a part of my body for 8 months. When she was there - outside of my body - I could not bring myself to carry her once more. Now that I know I still cannot - will not forgive myself of that failure. I held her ashes as it was grabbed by the wind. Ashes to ashes. Dust to Dust. Returning her body to the Universe.

My Dear Child. I am sorry I never held you in my arms. That I didn't snuggle you close. Or kiss your head. Remember you always, I shall. your sister will know your name. Your father will be reminded. To your mother you shall always be my first born. I miss you. And should it be that I get the chance, I hope you will greet me on the other side of the veil of life. With the entirety of a mother's love - I love you.

Should I be a mother?

2010-10-04T00:00:00.004-06:00

originally written on 10/08/2008. I came across this in my journal and wanted to share. I will be posting a few others in the days to come. Then all posts will be current happenings.

Today J stopped by the office with her 5 month old son. I saw him and wanted to hold a child and to know the weight in my arms. So I did. No I am in turmoil. Part of me is torn to pieces grieving that I never knew that weight with my own daughter. The other piece feels - nothing and I wonder - should I be a mother? I felt no connection to this child. I thought "he's kind of ugly". Very chubby cheeks and tiny nose. Is there something wrong with me that I don't feel some affection? Or connection to this child?

Yet if I pause and think of Meleana, my beautiful brown haired button nosed daughter I desperately long for her.

mother still

2010-09-28T14:58:00.002-06:00

originally written on 9/26/2008. I came across this in my journal and wanted to share. I will be posting a few others in the days to come. Then all posts will be current happenings.

No Child But Mother Still
It angers me how with our very adaptive language we have not the words to name this. Who am I? Childless mother? We lack the words that name what happened to my daughter who was born still. She was not "full term" so some call it a "pregnancy loss". But that denies that my daughter ever was.

I knew her
moods
dreams
cravings

But never knew her
in my arms
on my breast
No Child
but Mother
Still

Aloha Oe

2010-07-29T10:18:00.001-06:00

This is the Memorial video I did for our daughter Meleana. Over a year later it makes me cry every time I watch it.

Closure

2009-06-06T09:49:00.009-06:00

The memorial was an incredible thing. We are so grateful to all who joined us in body and spirit. Rev. Kirk Loadman-Copeland help us put together a wonderful service (click to pull up a document that gives you the service and readings) that allowed us to say good-bye to our little girl.

One of the service pieces was a bouquet of memory. Each person there placed a flower in a vase - creating a thing of beauty and fragility.

At the end of the service the song Aloha O'e was played. Aloha O'e means "fond farewell". This song was written by Queen Liliuokalani, the last monarch of Hawai'i. It was written as a love song, but some say it was also her way of saying farewell. And it fit what I wanted to say at the memorial. (I am working on posting a video with the song so you can hear it.)

After the service, KJ, Tess (my mom), Aunt Adele & Uncle Jim headed to Chautauqua Park in Boulder, CO. We hiked up to the near the first flatiorn. We said a little prayer "She whom we love and lose is no longer where she was before. She is now wherever we are." - St. John Chrysotom. And then KJ & I released some of her ashes
...off to the wind

From Meleana

... a handful at the base of a tree

From Meleana

... and a small pinch was carried down by my mom to the meadow of wildflowers.

From Meleana

Aloha O'e Meleana.

and Mahalo to all of our Ohana.

with Aloha - Maurina & KJ

Memorial: Update

2009-04-12T22:13:00.004-06:00

Aloha O’e
On Saturday, May 23, 2009 please join KJ & Maurina, in body or spirit, as we remember our daughter, Meleana, On the 1 year Anniversary of her being born still.

First Universalist Church of Denver
4101 E. Hamden Ave
Denver, CO 80222
May 23, 2009
10:00 am - 10:30 am
A reception will follow the service in Friendship Hall

Some ideas if you will be joining us in spirit:

send us a note of your "could have been" with Meleana
light a yarzheit candle and do a reading or prayer that means something to you
donate to NILMDTS, the wonderful photos we have of our daughter are because of this wonderful organization of volunteers. On the donation form there is a space for additional comments. This is where you can put that the donation is being made in honor of Meleana.

The ceremony details have been decided (finally). For those of you that are able to join us, we merely ask that you come as you are, with open hearts and arms. There will be some snacks available after the service. It is hard to express how much we appreciate all of the love and support we have gotten from our growing family of blood, friends, and community.

Mahalo!
Maurina, KJ, Hijo & Meleana

Addendum to "End of Act Three" posting

2009-03-03T20:34:00.004-07:00

It recently came to my attention that I when I posted the story of my delivery of Meleana I left out a very important person. I was shocked to hear that I had somehow forgotten to talk about how my best friend, Kristen, was there supporting me through the entire ordeal. After the doctors visit where we got the bad news, KJ & I went home to make some phone calls and pack an overnight bag. Shortly after getting home I managed to call work and tell them what happened; at that time KJ called Kristen and told her the news. Before I knew it Kristen pulled up into our driveway with her bag packed. She drove us to the hospital and stayed there in the room with me through the entire ordeal.

The main reason why I am so shocked to find out that I somehow left Kristen out of the story is this - I doubt that I would have survived the trauma of the labor were it not for Kristen's unfaltering love and support. She was my advocate when decisions needed to be made and I was in no condition to make them. Kristen being there allowed KJ to sleep and take breaks knowing that someone else was there to take care of me and watch over me.

When I was battling my fever part of me felt that it would have been easier to just slip away and not feel this pain anymore. But then Kristen leaned in close to me and said "You will not leave us." And it was then that the thought was that I would not only be leaving KJ, but Kristen - and all the other people that loved me. And it gave me a glimmer of hope - that although I was currently in agony and questioning if it was worth it to carry on - that I would know love and be loved.

Kristen was there through the delivery, she even held one of my legs while I pushed. When we recently talked about it her comment was "It was totally gross, but where else would I have been?" She watched over Meleana as the nurse cleaned her and dressed her. Kristen worked with the photographer to get some of my favorite photos.

Kristen has continued to be supportive and encourages me to forgive myself for whatever failings I lay on myself.

Kristen: I love you more than I can express. I am so sorry that I failed to let the world know what an incredibly supportive and loving friend you were during my darkest hour and always.

Triggers

2008-11-30T13:38:00.007-07:00

Somehow, I am still amazed at what can act as a trigger and send me spiraling down into an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. Today KJ & I went to go see the new movie Bolt. It was very funny (I snorted a few times) but I lost it at the end. In short the story is about a great dog and his little girl. I was struck with how I had promised Hijo his own little girl - he really loves kids, especially little girls. It made me sad to know that Hijo never got to meet Meleana. That he never gets to enjoy a run while I push her in the stroller, or to lick peanut butter off her fingers (and face), he will never get to run around a park with her chasing her and looking ferocious - causing the other mothers to stare at me wondering why I would let my daughter play with such a scary dog).

Hijo Atari Paradise, the best dog ever

As my friend Gwen reminded me when we got together last Sunday to remember Meleana, KJ & I are not the only ones who lost all the 'could have been' with Meleana. Gwen lost the chance to spoil her - she was so looking forward to KJ & I needing date nights so that she could have our little girl over. All of my amazing friends from IU never had the chance to be calabash Aunties & Uncles. They would have been wonderful influences in her life. My father never got the chance to see his fiercely independent "no-I-am-not-ever-having-children" daughter (that would be me) become a mother.

Meleana's death is a loss to us all. And for that I am sorry.

6 months (really)

2008-11-21T07:08:00.002-07:00

As I stated at the end of my last post after crying in my office I realized that it in fact had only been 5 months. And I felt comforted knowing I was not so far from having Meleana.

This Sunday, November 23rd, is the 6 month anniversary of Meleana being born still. I am sending out a plea to all that cannot be with us in person, to pause on Sunday, light a candle and say her name. It is a great source of comfort to know that we are not alone in our grief. And that others will remember and not deny that we have a daughter that died.

From Meleana

non sequitur

KJ & I recently started going to a closed support group called Solace. It is a group for anyone who has experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn death. Fortunately the group has a great dynamic. We seemed to "click". There is one other husband in the group, and he's an IT guy - giving KJ someone to talk with.

During out last session I had a bit of an epiphany. We were talking about how different things may be our triggers. Such as things we were planning on doing with our child that we are now doing without our child. And I realized - suddenly - why I am struggling with running. I find it hard to go, and when I do go I feel guilty. I am supposed to be running with my daughter. Kristen and I had spent many a conversation discussing how it was going to be running with Sprite/Meleana. KJ & I spent a bit of time picking out the perfect jogging stroller. I was so looking forward to running with my daughter. Showing her from the beginning of her life the joy of physical movement. My challenge now is to find a way to take Meleana with me on my next run. Any suggestions?

5 Months

2008-10-23T10:47:00.011-06:00

From Meleana

5 months ago our daughter, Meleana Paradise, was born still. She was 19" long and weight 4 lbs, 2 oz. She had dark brown hair, like her father and she had his nose and my hands.
In many ways it feels like she left us just days ago, in others it feels like a lifetime.

After sitting in my office crying I started to think and I realized that I had miscounted, that's 5 months today, not 6. And amazingly that makes me feel better. And that is why I've changed this post to read 5 months instead of 6.

Please join me Rememberance Day: Wave of Light

2008-10-15T12:13:00.002-06:00

http://www.october15th.com/waveoflight.htm

Where has the time gone?

2008-09-21T09:36:00.007-06:00

I am not sure how it keeps happening. Another month *poof* gone. I often think that I should write, post a short blog; but then I think that I need to wait just a few more days so that I can write something with significance. In a way the fact that I am at work, that I've started running some again, that I am writing at all is of significance.

Here we are four months after Meleana died. You will notice that I talk about the event not as when "we lost our daughter" but as when "Meleana died". I feel that saying we "lost our child" or "lost our daughter" is too sugar coated. We did not misplace our child like a pair of socks. Our daughter did not run away like an upset pet. We did not accidentally leave our child at the mall like a jacket that was shed because it was too warm and a bother to carry. Our daughter died.

So here we are four months later, and we are functioning much more than I would have anticipated four months ago. Heck I am doing a lot better than one month ago. My desire to continue, to live and not just exist, has strengthened. I am still not the person I was before, and I now know that I will never be that person. I have experienced great luck in my life and tragedy has never really touched my life before this. No one very close to me has died - at least not unexpectedly. My maternal grandmother died a number of years ago, but it was after a long illness and her death was a bit of a relief; still a tragedy and it was very hard on my mom, but it did not really affect me directly.

As I read in one of my books "Life Touches Life" the tragedy of loosing a child is different than loosing a parent or adult friend/ family. With the loss of an adult you still have the memories of that person. With the death of a child, especially a still birth a death during delivery, is the sudden loss of all that could have been. All those hopes and dreams are shattered.

An interesting lesson during this process is that people are just stupid. I can appreciate that people may not know what to say, but they say the dumbest things!! For nearly a year, the life of my daughter progressed. I came to know her. We would dream together of the great things she would get to do and simple joys we would share once she joined us physically. We dreamed of hikes in the woods, runs near water, playing in the grass, the joy of reading a story, watching the seasons pass, the happiness of a father's love. We dreamed of the moment when her father, my husband KJ, would get to see her for the first time. Yet people say things like "well, you can just have another child" or "you never really knew her" and I see the confusion on their faces when I speak of my daughter, I say her name, Meleana, and say "I am a mother with no living children". They do not comprehend how I can miss a person that "never was"; they try to deny her existence just because she never drew a breath outside of my womb.

Meleana is my Hawaiian name, and I gave it to I my daughter. I felt that since I could not give her life, I would give her my name.

Quick Update

2008-08-22T10:11:00.005-06:00

KJ & I have gotten our genetic testing done (finally!) and have gotten our results. Neither KJ nor I carry the inversion at chromosome 9. This means that the inversion was Meleana's; however there is not enough research to know if this is what caused her to die. My doc explained that about 1% of the population - that is alive and walking around - have this "abnormality". The accepted medical interpretation is that this inversion is "of no significance". However, some recent medical studies have found a correlation with the inversion and multiple failed pregnancies (stillbirths, and 1st trimester miscarriages/ spontaneous abortions). Of course this correlation does not necessarily mean the inversion is the cause of the failures, but it could be a marker. Perhaps this uncertainty will lead to more research. (ummm... PhD thesis? nahhh....)

The crux of this means that we have no idea what happened to Meleana, and should I find myself emotionally able to deal with being pregnant again (not too sure about that right now), we are facing the same likelyhood of a stillbirth happening again. I would be considered a "high risk" pregnancy so I would be going to the doctors a lot more often, and after the 25th week I would be in at least once a week for a non-stress test.

In some ways we are doing well, and others not well at all. KJ has started at his new school, Eagle Crest, and is working hard to connect with his students and be the great teacher he so wants to be. KJ has also started a graduate program at University of Colorado, Denver, gong for an M.S. in Applied Math. (geek!) My job is becoming more and more demanding, as it should since they gave me a big raise (12.5%) in July. They are just now making me earn it.

The not so well part is that I have days where I struggle to function. By that I mean I have difficulty willing myself to do anything. It is difficult to concentrate, to speak, to eat, to focus (oh, wait I already said that...) - you get some idea. The struggle is that I do not know when I am going to have those days. Sometimes the bad days are triggered by an event - like getting an email that Becki, a woman I have been collaborating with on our new website since December, lost her child in delivery when her placenta ruptured - other times there is no trigger, and I just have a bad day. This uncertainty is hard on me and my ability to maintain some professionalism (I've burst into tears in a few offices when asking folks for materials for projects), its been hard on KJ too. He mostly has to deal with only the sad me, and rarely is around for the functional - almost "normal" - me.

I have finally found a therapist I liked (FINALLY!! she was my third attempt and nearly my last) but I've only seen her once. I see her again this next week and am hoping to see her regularly for a while. In mid September I'll also start with a closed support group called Solace (at Exempla Lutheran Hospital; a sister hospital to where I delivered Meleana). I am really wanting to find ways to cope with my bad days - so that I can continue to function - but also to help ensure I fully process my grief.

I am battling with myself. I want to try an continue my life, but I do not want to forget or ignore that I am a mother whose child has died. Writing helps. I can read back over these earlier posts and remember. And know that you who read this will know and remember with me.

Mahalo nui loa to all who read for sharing this grief with me.

Day by Day

2008-06-29T12:33:00.002-06:00

I want to answer the questions that we all ask: Why? What happened?

The answer to the first question is - I don't know. No one does. And gods will has nothing to do with it.

The answer to the second question is - I don't know. There was no obvious problem. The umbilical cord was intact and not tangled in any way. A battery of tests were done. A sample was taken from the placenta and blood from me. Not much was found. There was some thickening of the placenta, which often is a sign of an infection. But no other evidence of an infection was found. The genetic testing found an inversion on chromosome #9. According to my doctor and a genetics counselor this inversion is found in the general population and is not considered a 'significant finding'. However, this is not the total picture. Some of my research indicates that this inversion can lead to recurrent pregnancy loss. An added piece of uncertainty arises because the genetic tests are unclear if the inversion was Meleana's or mine. The genetic testing was done on the placenta and two different genetic strains were found - mine and hers. The inversion was found in only one genetic strain - so either KJ is a carrier and Meleana had the inversion, or I am the carrier and Meleana did not get it. I will update this confusion after KJ & I go to the genetisits office in late July.

Right after our loss of Meleana, I was amazed that somehow time continued. Days would start and end regardless of how we felt - the universe refused to stop even though we suffered. Amazingly those days of overwhelming grief are receding. Each day is a little easier, a little more normal. It amazes me that normalcy can return. I have returned to work - for the most part. I have days where I work from home; the idea of facing so many people (on the commute in and at the office) is too overwhelming. The ignorance and the pity. I find I reach the end of some days without having really though about Meleana. That scares me. I do not want the repetitive normalcy of life to allow me to forget my daughter. I need to remember.

I need to know that I can say her name - Meleana - and have others understand. She is my daughter. I am a mother. A mother with no living children.

Pictures of Meleana - please look, and remember with me.

End of Act Three: Sorrow

2008-05-28T07:21:00.011-06:00

On Thursday, May 22nd, I went to the doctors office because I had not felt Sprite move in about a day and was worried. The nurse consoled me that it was probably nothing, but worth checking out. I really started to worry when she could not find the heartbeat with the external monitor. She tried really hard to act normally when she told me they were going to do an ultrasound, 'just in case'. I was lying there, holding KJ's hand (thankfully he got there just before the ultrasound) and the doctor (a stranger, my normal doc was not around) was pointing out on the screen (that I could not see) that they were looking at Sprite's heart; then the doctor leaned toward me and said "There is no heartbeat".

Suddenly my world went dark. I could not breathe. I could not comprehend. I could not really feel. I just sobbed into KJ's shoulder, and he into mine.

After a few moments (minutes, hours, days later?) the doctor, this stranger, moved us to another room for us to talk. KJ immediately asked about a c-section. More bad news - I was going to have to labor through and deliver. A c-section would be done as a last resort - the reasons are that it is major surgery and would mean a longer recovery time (physically) and it could pose complications down the road should we decide to try to have a child again.

That night I checked into St. Joe's hospital and at about 10 p.m. they gave me my first dose of prostaglandins to induce me. Over the next 22 hours I labored. For many hours there was no progress. And I was reacting strongly to the prostaglandins - I had a fever that peaked at 104.6. It was scary - especially for KJ - I was shaking uncontrollably, first I was freezing cold so they piled blankets on me, but that did not help. Neither did the Tylenol. My temp kept climbing. The doctor had a serious conversation about the possibility of me needing to have a c-section and the risks of doing so with my body in the state it was in. Pulling all of the blankets off of me and packing me with ice (under my arms and behind my neck) helped my temp come down, a little. And they stopped giving me the prostaglandins (that was around 2 pm). Shortly after that I got an epidural, which allowed me to sleep, finally - and KJ fell asleep as well.

When I woke up I had incredible pressure on my rectum, after attempting a b.m. with minimal success, the newest doctor (we went through three or four) came in to check to see if the pressure was the result of the babies head. And it was. After many hours of still being at 2 cm dilated and only 80% (at best) effaced, Sprite's head was at Station 2 - meaning it was time to push. (It is now about 7:30 or 7:45 p.m. on Friday.) Thankfully, the newest doc decided to let Dr. Z know that it was finally time. I really liked him, he was there with me for most of the day and was the one who had broken my water, strongly encouraged me to get the epidural, and had the scary talk. Dr. Z came into the room in his nice suit and pulled scrubs on over and started to prep for delivery. This phase was short - three pushes during each of four contractions (12 pushes total). Good news of no tearing, so no stitches were needed. I don't think I could have done much more, considering the outcome.

Delivery did not shed any light onto a cause for this tragedy. Sprite's umbilical cord was fine, as was the placenta. There was no sign of trauma or deformity that would explain her death. We were offered the option of doing an autopsy, but after much back & forth, we decided against it.

I had already explained to the nurse that I did not want to hold Sprite right away. I wanted her to be cleaned first.

There is an amazing group of volunteer photographers that will come to the hospital and take portraits to help you remember. We called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and a very nice woman (who had gone through the same thing 3 years ago) came and took some pictures. She was very respectful of our wishes. Honestly, I could not bring myself to hold her or touch her. It was just too much. I feel a nearly overwhelming sense of guilt over this (and still do). That somehow I failed her. That I could not be strong enough to say good-bye. KJ had a photo taken of resting his hand on her belly, and he fell apart after doing so.

KJ encourages me to not beat myself up over this. He insists that I am just too sensitive of a person to have been able to hold her.

In a real way, she was not there; she had already returned to the other side. I just wish I could have met her first.

We named her Meleana, she was 19" long and weight 4 lbs, 2 oz. She had dark brown hair, KJ's nose, and my hands.

And so it continues....

2008-04-02T07:11:00.004-06:00

I miss so many of you so very much and wish we were all closer so that I could share more of this incredible experience with you.

Can you believe how big I am getting? Okay I am sure all the mom's can, and are chuckling to themselves knowing that I am only going to get bigger. I swear I feel like I am growing every day. My bellybutton is not quite an out-y, but it is not an in-y either anymore. KJ calls it a "neutral-y". :)

The good news is that all is well. I still feel okay - I get tired easily and muscle fatigue sets in quickly - as long as I get enough sleep. I can really feel Sprite move around now, especially right after I eat. There are times when her kicks are enough to make my clothes jump! I think she is more of a tumbler than a kicker though. Often it does not feel like she is kicking or punching, but just tumbling and rolling around.

There are days when it feels like July 7th is along way off and other days it feels like it is just around the corner. I was talking with a friend the other day about how if Sprite came now - well I have some diapers and some clothes, but she has no where to sleep! Or put her clothes... and all the other stuff babies need. I had no idea. I think pregnancy lasts so long so that I have enough time to get everything together. As KJ reminds me there is time, and I will likely get a few of things needed from the two showers I am getting (one from work and one from friends here in Denver).

Besides the need to get my house ready, the immediacy of Sprite's arrival has started to really hit home some of my fears/ concerns about parenthood. Will I be a good mom? What kind of mom will I be? How will KJ & I differ? Will those be good differences? How will we deal with those times when we disagree with how Sprite should be handled? I don't anticipate that we will have any of the answers until we are in the middle of it. The most interesting part of this process of pregnancy ending in the arrival of another life is this: Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. And I can't really explain it more clearly than that. If you have had the opportunity of going through this - however long ago - I am sure you understand. For everyone else, you're as clueless as I was before this all began.

Week 20 & 21

2008-02-28T09:10:00.001-07:00

I am now 21 weeks into my pregnancy. YEAH! I've made it half way.
As you can see from the picture, I am starting to really show and "look" pregnant.
It is odd how it happens all of a sudden. A few weeks ago I woke up and looked down at myself in the shower. "HOLY Crap! I'm Pregnant!" Overnight I was uncomfortable in my pants (maternity pants with the stretchy waists) and all I want to wear are dresses and skirts. Fortunately the weather has started cooperating.

Okay, okay now the fun news that people actually want to hear about. IT’S A GIRL!! Just look below at the ultrasound pictures. I am so excited! KJ is still in denial about impending fatherhood, but at least he is now aware that he is in denial.

My last appointment was very exciting. When we (yes we, KJ was there, such a good supporting partner) were waiting for the nurse/ultrasound technician, Sprite was moving like crazy. It was the most I had ever felt her move up to that point. I turn to KJ and tell him “I think Sprite knows she is going to be on camera!”. And sure enough when we could see her, she was moving all over the place. Her arms were waiving (“oh honey, don’t hit yourself….”) all over the place and her legs were kicking and moving. KJ said she looked like a little girl who’s blankets had gotten all tangled and she was moving her legs to get comfortable.

This ultrasound was way cool! The last one I had was in November, when Sprite was nothing but a little rice grain sized pea with a little flutter that was her heart. This time?! Oh boy! Or, Oh girl rather! We got to see her brain, heart, lungs, spine, hips, arms, hands, legs, feet, fingers & toes, umbilical cord, and an assortment of organs that I could not tell apart. Suppose that is why they have professionals do this sort of thing. We also got to hear her heartbeat again. Much slower this time (165 beats per minute) and still an amazing sound.

We met with the doctor after we were all done looking at my little girl. It was a short visit. McCrann explained that everything looked fantastic and just as it should. And my health is great - good weight gain, good blood pressure, clean urine – she wished all her pregnancy went this well!

Ultrasound Pics - FINALLY!

2008-02-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

16 Weeks

2008-01-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

I had my monthly doctor's appointment today, and it went great! I suppose it is normal as a first time mom to be stressed and worried, but it still sucks.

Now this may sound odd to non-mothers, but there are times when I forget (!!) that I am pregnant. I have gotten over the nausea - morning sickness? I wish!! more like all-day-no-food-looks-appealing-oh-poop-I-feel-like-I-am-going-to-hurl-again sickness! - thank goodness, but I am not yet feeling the baby move. So there are times when I just feel, well, no pregnant, just fat! Look at the picture from the last post; I have not put on too much weight - the doc says my weight gain at this point is EXACTLY where it should be - and while I have not always had the flattest of stomachs, it is normally smaller than this.

Okay, so I was talking about my latest doctor visit. As I was saying, it went great. My weight gain is right on track, blood pressure is good (thankfully high blood pressure is not a problem for me so I am at a pretty low risk for developing toxemia), my urine is clean (they check it for protein and sugar to ensure I am not diabetes), and AND AND we listened to the babies heartbeat. My favorite part of the visit. I laid back there and closed my eyes as I listened to the amazing sound of my child's heartbeat. The sound that drives solidly home the fact that I am having a baby!!!

As my doctor said, at each appointment we will either listen to the heartbeat or do an ultrasound to make sure the baby is healthy. If you have not heard an in utero heartbeat, well I am not sure I can satisfactorily describe it. The heart rate is really high at this stage (and should be) so it sounds a little like a child banging on a drum. Dr. McCrann said, "you can't argue with a sound that beautiful".

And I would agree.

14 Weeks

2008-01-08T07:09:00.000-07:00

Some of you already know, some don't, but here is the proof. Look at that belly! I know it will only get bigger too. This picture was taken on 01/06/08, the start of my 14th week (of 40). More to come.....

Looking just a little better now....

2006-09-23T10:59:00.000-06:00

A small snap shot of the what the kitchen used to look like, and what it does now....

Here it is.

2006-08-07T18:53:00.000-06:00

We're not done yet, but here's what's been done so far...

1) remove old kitchen cabinets.
2) remove old sink and tub in the bathroom upstairs.
3) remove old flooring (carpet and poorly laid rollout vinyl tile)
4) repair subfloor where needed.
5) repair walls where needed.
6) widen a doorway in a portion of a concrete support wall (repair crack in wall as well.) (install iron L-beam across new doorway)
7) eliminate leaky window in the basement (remove old window, replace with concrete block).
8) replace upstairs windows (9 of them)
9) paint interior of the house
10) replace cabinets removed in step 1.
11) replace sink/vanity/mirror/lights removed in step 2.
12) replace carpetting upstairs.
13) tile bathroom (vinyl squares, we picked 'em out, I mostly installed them, I like 'em).
14) remove old furnace and hot water heater.
15) install new very-energy-efficient furnace, and add central Air Conditioning, something that Denver seems to need now more than before.
16*) install new tankless hot water heater. Water is heated as it's used, so you can't run out and you don't have to keep it hot when you're not using it.
17) there is no number 17.
18) frame and drywall new closet in upstairs room (to be designated as The Guest Bedroom)
19) replace old wiring box, wire new house as needed.
20) remove old wall separating smallish bedrooms in the basement, discover that it's a support wall, and so put in support columns on each side of the room with a beam to support the floor above. (supports are 4"x6" solid wood, beam is 3 micro-laminate 2"x10"s bolted together).
21) move plumbing around in the basement (jackhammer up portions of the old floor, re-pour concrete after piping has been replaced.
22) frame up the space for a new master bathroom, and seal off furnace room (it's against code and a bad idea to draw air from the bathroom or to have the bedroom be gas-reachable if the furnace leaks gas), running pipes to the outside from the middle of the basement.
23) re-run all the copper piping for water, because the old set up is totally unusable for the new layout of space.
24) install the necessary plumbing for the master bath in the basement and upstairs bath and kitchen and the laundry room (also downstairs).

2006-07-06T22:07:00.000-06:00

Dan of D&G Renovations
our Wonderful contractor

Nearing the end???

2006-07-06T21:45:00.000-06:00

I had promised some of you an update earlier this week, but obviously I didn't get to it until now. Life is just a little crazy for me lately. So much has been done to the house, that I don't truly realize it until I have to think about it (like now). Tomorrow is Inspector Day. Inspectors will be coming to the house to do the final check off for the demo, plumbing, and electrical.

The place has been completely gutted. Down to sub-flooring, and in some places even that was ripped out. Where the hallway and front room meet there was a problem with the sub-floor, sort of. It was more that underneath the floor support beam was not there. So the flooring had to be removed so that it could be re-enforced.

In the basement the plumber did some jack-hammering to move the sewage drain, as well as add some pluming for a washer and a bathtub and a shower, and a toilet and the water heater. We have an amazing plumber! He tore out and replaced most of the plumbing in two days. In a total of 4 days work he is done. Our electrician is really good too. Sparky just keeps to himself, doesn't say much and just gets stuff done. The guy doing the HVAC is young and smart and works fast. We have the most efficient furnace on the market (SEER 18), and the AC unit is efficient too. And we are getting a nice programmable thermostat. These are guys that our contractor works with, and we have been very happy with them all. Have I mentioned before that we have the best Contractor ever? Dan is a nice guy and works hard. He even laughs at KJ's jokes! From here we have just over a week of work! Yeah!! After the inspectors go through and give the OK, the drywall-er’s come in and start closing stuff up. Then they will paint, install stuff (kitchen cabinets/countertops, bathroom cabinets, shower, etc...), and then lay the flooring and hang the internal doors. THEN we get to move in!

We will take more pictures and post them soon....

2006-07-06T21:43:00.000-06:00

One of my rose plants that is growing just off my deck. Isn't she beautiful! And they smell just heavenly. :)

Demo Kitchen

2006-07-06T21:40:00.000-06:00

This is what the kitchen looked like after the cabinets were ripped out. Some of the walls were also ripped out (to fix electrical and plumbing issues).

Tankless?

2006-06-06T16:35:00.000-06:00

Amie recently asked me what I meant by a "tankless" hot water heater, and I thought it might be helpful to answer here so that others may learn too!

Now boys and girls, did you know that America is one of the last remaining countries in the world to heat water in large tanks? Most of the world, for the last 40 or so years, has used tankless hot water heaters (they are also called "on demand" and "endless").

A conventional hot water heater keeps 40+ gallons of water hot all the time. This requires a lot of energy. Even if you don't use any hot water, the tank will use energy to keep the water hot. Also the tanks loose heat (called stand-by heat loss). This rate of loss has been greatly reduced in newer models (due to increased government requirements for efficiency). The most efficient tank model on the market looses 3 degrees in 24 hours. Not a lot, but it does add up.

A tankless water heater (the units can be either electric or natural gas) uses a heating coil to heat the water (typically to 110 degrees) as it passes through the system. So the water is heated only when you need it. Also since there is no tank to heat, the supply of hot water is endless. This means you and your 10 best friends can take subsequent - or joint- hot showers at your house. There are different models, with different flow rates. The flow rate is similar to the first hour rate of a tank hot water heater. The smallest models can run 1 thing at at time (e.g. sink or shower), the largest commercial models can run many things at the same time (multiple showers and dishwashers and washing machines). The model we are looking at is a 2 major plus. (Meaning we can have two showers at the same time and a sink, or one shower and the dishwasher) These flow rates just effect how much and how hot the water is when it comes out of the tap.

Okay, end of lesson. Any questions?
:)

Peace,

The Dirt Worshiping, Tree Hugging, Hippie

Getting Started

2006-06-02T08:42:00.000-06:00

We have meet with our contractors, and the finance/draw guy. Why is there a finance/draw person? This is because we got this house through the HUD "teacher next door" program. (For more information, click here ) This means we can actually start on all of our projects!

What projects are those you ask?

Replace all windows (they are old, steel cased windows that leak horribley, and don't work for the most part). The new windows are Energy star rated, double pane, super energy saver custom built windows with many uuber cool features!
Replace flooring (tile & carpet)
Fix pluming and electrical issues (there are just a few)
New furnace (uuber energy efficent of course!)
New hot water heater (we are going tankless!!)
Adding insulation to the roof (of course!)
Tearing down walls and building a master bedroom/bathroom in the basement

Yeah, I think that about covers all of it. *g*

We fortunately found a great contractor, Dan. He is smart enough to know that when it comes to making decisions, he needs to talk to the Munchkin! I will get more pictures up soon, really!

That's it for today!
:)

Kitchen

2006-05-30T06:47:00.000-06:00

It does not look it in the phots, but these cabenits are in bad shape. Particularly the sink. There is a lot of water damage, which led to damage in the sub-flooring. (not a huge amount, but there are a few soft spots). There is also a double oven, with no stove! Notice the "lovely" green...it is on nearly every wall! :(

back yard

2006-05-29T17:07:00.000-06:00

This is the back yard! It faces south, and is off the kitchen.

We own a house!

2006-05-29T16:55:00.000-06:00

I have created this blog as a way to share the progress of our new house. Through the pictures you will see that much needs to be done, but it is a nice house. We have already begun with many of the projects. I will get some current external pictures soon so you can see the roses and other greenery. The currently posted pictures are from March. I look forward to hearing comments from family, friends, and accidental visitors.

Shalom.